Do Overs

Glancing down at the mirror on the table while trying not to seem anxious as my guy was deliberately chopping the rocks into a powder. The razor blade made a tapping and scraping sound as it ran back and forth over the mirror. As cool as I thought I was, I could hardly hold back from yelling, “Come on, get on with it “. For a moment, I thought he heard my thought; he abruptly stopped, laid the blade on the mirror, and jumped up to put another album on. This delay almost pushed me over. He bought a new album every Friday on his way home from cashing his check and stopping at the liquor store for a case of Point beer. Time was wasted, and the little control I had was about to end; he held us in the palm of his huge hand, holding onto that small razor blade, methodically pushing and pulling the white powder on the mirror in time with U2’s new track “In The Name of love”. 

Our conversations ranged from music, gas prices, vacations, and work, to our appreciation for a particular gender. Everything for me and I would guess for the others revolved around coke. Coke was my rationalization for spending the time, energy, and money on maintaining the boost from my lagging self-esteem. Sitting around the table were real friends that, as caught up with the white powder, the underlying love for each other kept it all from imploding. My slow relinquishing of who I was to the power of the substance should have been no surprise. The first time I snorted it, I knew it was too good. It immediately removed my fears of who I was for as long as the rush lasted. It was like being scared to fly and, for a moment feeling like a pilot. The only problem was that halfway through the flight, it wore off, and to not crash and burn, more was needed.

66 years old, and I have lived through my addictions. I have evolved into who I am from life experiences which range from making wrong choices to accepting them and adding the right decisions. I don’t look back anymore with fear or remorse, but with the ability to separate the good from the bad, as it has made me who I am today. The funny thing about my choices today is they are simpler and less dramatic. I belong to the generation leaving now. As we all deal with friends, family, and loved ones that have departed, it’s imperative to eliminate negativity and embrace the simplicity and Joy of existence. That’s my daily choice.